li-ber-o-sis: n. the desire to care less about things.

What it feels like in layman’s terms: everyday is a constant struggle to remind myself, “Stop. Enough.”

It’s wanting to cut off your hands which seem to have a mind of its own, expertly navigating to his Instagram to see what’s new.

It’s constantly crying out of frustration because you’re still crying about what happened.

It’s lashing inwardly every time you catch yourself over-analyzing things that you shouldn’t be thinking of in the first place.

It’s the inward recognition that, finally, you want something to happen other than this. The realization that, finally, you want to care less and move forward.

“The opposite of love is not hate, but apathy.”

Tonight I broke down after months of keeping things together. I think it’s a big deal because it’s been more than half a year and I’m still not over my last relationship.

I know everything already; “It takes time.Time will heal you. You’ll get there,” they said. Yes, I’ve heard all those things, but there also another thing I know: Time. Is. Such. A. Bitch.

I was in a beautiful relationship for two and a half years. What made it more beautiful was that I had one of my best-est friends in college for a partner. I knew him for four years before we got together and realized that we could be something special. And it was. We were.

But of course that doesn’t mean that our relationship was perfect–no relationship ever is. Issues and fights were there along the way, we were changing, growing into different people until eventually, loyalty was tested.

He had another at least a month before we ended things between us; I was blindsided and knew about it only a month after. I haven’t healed yet at the time and that’s when the breakup hit me really bad. I barely understood the hows and the whys of what happened as we never got to talk about it anymore (up until now). There was too much anger and denial going on that I just did not want to deal with. I went through a bad case of depression and did some things that I wasn’t truly proud of. Risking my career, I was screwing things up in my first job, kept on leaving early just to drink alone at three or four in the afternoon. Kadiri, I know.

This won’t be a post on him or what he did. Nor will it be a lecture on healing or moving on. Who am I to know when I’m still stuck where I am?

The truth? I still love him. Plain and simple. And no, before anyone says that it’s the memories or the feeling that I miss–it just isn’t. I didn’t let my heart win over this breakup and approached it as logically as I could and discovered that it’s the person that I miss the most. It should have been easy to move on; I could have let my anger carry me away from him and everything good about what we had. But all my anger has been all but spent, yet I’m still here.

Of course I picked myself up–spent time with friends, drowned myself in work, and hey, I went out on a date for the first time in my life ever. But at the back of my head, he’s still there. And what scares me the most is that he always will be. He’s there when I eat somewhere new, in new movies that I’m interested to watch, in the jokes and puns I see all over my newsfeed.

It’s hard when you had it good. It’s hard when the future has been planned. When settling down and getting married was very clear in both your heads. Or so it seemed.

I can’t say that I’m totally okay, but I am getting by. But getting by is different from moving on. I’ve heard and read about all there is about moving on. But I guess, nothing will ever beat the basics. That even though time is such a bitch, I guess I just have to go by its rules just let myself be overwhelmed with all the feelings now–not the past, nor the future.

I’m not here to talk about the past. I know nothing of the future. All I want is to stay and be here in the present.

And I guess right now, it’s okay to not be okay.

langleav:

“People are like whirlpools,” he said. “The way they pull you in. How they drag you under. You have to work so hard, just to keep your head above water.”

— Lang Leav (Sad Girls)

(Source: october-seance, via michaelfaudet)

(Source: emesre, via nixiebelle)

(Source: thelovewhisperer.me, via thelovewhisperer)

(via langleav)

tylerknott:

“Tell me we’ll make it,
that all things will settle soon,
that the pain will stop.”
— Daily Haiku on Love by Tyler Knott Gregson

(Source: TylerKnott.com)

Ibaling mo na ang lahat sa iba, wag lang ‘yung pagmamahal mo sa’kin.

Love doesn’t hurt you; attachment does.

(via langleav)

This summer, I exchanged bikinis for leotards. Instead of sun, sand, and sea, I chose the studio.

Thirteen days ‘til show time! (at Academy One Music & Dance Center)

Earth Hour selfie.

lovequotesrus:

hoodoothatvoodoo:

Everything you love is here

(Source: adventuresofanightowl, via sensiblesensationss-blog)

langleav:

phvlin:

#langleav #heandi

Your writing is adorable! xo Lang 

…………….

Love & Misadventure is available online via Amazon, BN.com + The Book Depository and Barnes & Noble, Kinokuniya, Books Actually, Fully Booked and other good book stores worldwide. 

(via langleav)